Wedding therapist reveals you should NOT get engaged if you haven’t discussed these five topics with your partner

Getting engaged and starting a new life with someone is exciting – but, a wedding therapist has warned there are vital topics couples should discuss before putting a ring on that finger.

Landis Bejar, a wedding therapist and the founder of AisleTalk, explained there are five crucial things that need to be discussed before even thinking about tying the knot – and it could make or break relationships.

She listed talking about children, money, the role of your extended family, culture and religion as well as sex as the non-negotiable topics that must be thoroughly canvassed before getting married.

Although many of these topics come up after engagement, Bejar, who is based in New York, told Business Insider that couples shouldn’t wait until then to have conversations about these important issues.

‘You want to make sure that you’re not just on the same page about life in the moment that you’re meeting,’ she pointed out.

Landis Bejar, a wedding therapist and the founder of AisleTalk, explained there are five crucial things that need to be discussed before even thinking about tying the knot – and it could make or break relationships

Talk about having children

Bejar recommends always talking about if you want to have children before committing to a life together, but also what having kids would look like for you and your partner.

She told Business Insider that it is important to establish not only how many children you want, but also what your significant other’s views are on parenting.

‘How were you parented? What were your experiences being parented? What were your relationships like with your parents growing up, and how are they now? What do you envision would be your ideal version of that for if you do want to become a parent?’ she listed.

The professional marriage therapist added it’s also important to spend time around children as a couple, suggesting spending time with kids through a close friend or relative.

‘It can invite some really fruitful conversation about how you handle the stress of that: what your needs are, how you like to relate to one another,’ she pointed out.

Discuss your finances

Although talking about money as a couple can be uncomfortable, Bejar said it’s crucial to discuss it for the sake of your relationship.

‘You want to get on the same page because there’s a lot of variability about what partners’ expectations are or how they handle their money,’ she said. 

The therapist also said it’s worth talking about the role money had in your life growing up, as it will impact the way you feel about it during adulthood.

‘That’s all going to impact the way that you talk about money, the way you feel about money, the way you spend money, the way you invest money, and the way you save money,’ Bejar pointed out. 

‘All of that is really rich with story and emotion and behavior, and it can very easily be swept under the rug as not relevant in your relationship,’ she added.

Although talking about money as a couple can be uncomfortable, Bejar said it’s crucial to discuss it for the sake of your relationship (stock image)

Plan out the roles your extended family play

While it’s important to talk about what your nuclear family unit will look like, discussing the roles your extended family will play is also important. 

‘As you shift from being a child of your family versus creating your own family, how do you integrate those two identities?’ Bejar said.

The family therapist suggested talking logistically about how often you plan on seeing your in-laws and also what kind of role as grandparents they’ll play, as well as how you as a couple will handle aging parents and relatives.

‘You want to have a sense of where you guys stand on that and whether that’s going to be something that creates challenges along the way,’ Bejar pointed out. 

She continued: ‘We’re not coming to a compromise right now, but maybe it’ll be something that we need to compromise on in the future.’

Delve into culture and religion  

If you were raised in a particular religion, and your partner does not have a similar background there may be some middle ground to agree on.

Bejar explained that when two people are coming together, it’s important to know what values you want to bring to your new life together, especially if you are planning on raising children together. 

‘If you do want to have a family, talk about what sort of values you’d like to bring in from your own upbringing,’ she explained.

‘Do those conflict with your partner’s experience? How does that look when you’re talking about it with kids?’

Detail what your sex life will look like

Intimacy is a big part of a relationship, and Bejar said not to underestimate the power of talking about it.

‘You want to talk about how you feel good sexually with your partner. You want to talk about what doesn’t feel good,’ she pointed out.

‘You want to have open lines of communication about sex,’ she continued. 

‘And you want to have open lines of communication about what to do if things change. How can we talk about that?’