I want a bajillion dollars. I’d even settle for a gazillion.
So I’ve turned to self-help books. Their authors are rolling in cash, but every now and then they stoop to help the rest of us.
The advice is simple: stop being poor.
OK, they don’t say it like that, but the message is the same. You have to change your lifestyle.
I’ve heard a few kazillionaires discuss their lifestyles, and it boils down to something like this.
“I get up at 5 a.m., and after setting a world record in my morning 5K, I swim a few miles to keep fit. I spend the day leading mergers and acquisitions. Then I have some quality family time with my children, who are all prodigies, and finish the evening by watching cuts from the three films being made about my life.”
It sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? Early to bed, early to rise, and the rest will follow. People have been saying it for years.
I decided to put it to the test. I set my alarm clock for the bright and perky hour of 5 a.m. and rolled in for the night dreaming of dollar bills.
I awoke to something blaring in the dark beside my ear. I slapped at the alarm clock and knocked it off the bedside table. It didn’t stop ringing.
In the neighboring rooms, I knew snoozing taxpayers were bolting up, ready to grab their baseball bats and attack whoever woke them at this ungodly hour.
But I couldn’t see the clock. It was there, screaming somewhere on the floor, but for the life of me, I couldn’t make out where.
Pitching about the room, I finally solved the problem by stepping on it.
Those things are sharp. I would have yelled if I hadn’t remembered those baseball bats.
It was time for the morning run. I headed outside, where everything was a uniform shade of gray, and started at a jaunty clip.
That lasted about 10 seconds. My foot still hurt from the clock, and the 5K run gradually turned into a 5K limp.
To top everything off, I got doused by the neighbor’s sprinklers when I was 100 meters from the finish.
I considered that a fair replacement for the morning swim, and headed to my next task: work.
I don’t lead mergers and acquisitions, probably because the people who hired me want to actually make a profit, but I was at the computer before 7 a.m., tapping away.
It went great, at least for the first four hours. Then I fell asleep and missed two meetings.
I never worked so hard to appease upper management as I did that day. I never worked so hard, period. Maybe those self-help books were on to something.
I left my computer at 7 p.m. and made myself a frozen dinner. Then I remembered I had to fit in some quality family time, so I made my sister one too.
Washing up afterward, I caught a look at myself in the mirror. Gaunt and haggard. Nothing like those plump cheery faces you see on book covers.
After all my effort, I had lost a lot of sleep and gained no money. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
If that’s what it takes to make a bajillion, I’ll stay middle-class.
Alexandra Paskhaver’s column is distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.