DEAR CAROLINE: I caught an STI at 59 after my husband left me. I’m so ashamed

Q I am 59 and recently discovered that I have caught a sexually transmitted infection (fortunately treatable and I am recovering). I feel stupid and ashamed because it could be one of two men.

 I lost a lot of confidence after my husband left me three years ago for another woman – I had put on so much weight that he said he didn’t fancy me any more. It was the worst time of my life, but it gave me the impetus to get in shape. So I changed my diet, started weight-training and yoga, and lost three stone. It was wonderful to feel attractive again – and to get attention from men – and it went to my head. 

I started a relationship with one man from the gym, which was short-lived as he turned out to be seeing other women. However, at the same time, I also had a one-night stand when I went on holiday with girlfriends. The problem is that I have no idea which man gave me the STI. I wouldn’t know how to contact the second man, but I know that I should tell the man from the gym, for his sake as well as to stop the risk of it spreading. I would never have behaved like this in the past and I am so embarrassed. I am also worried that he will be angry.

A I am relieved to hear that your sexually transmitted infection is treatable as STIs can be very serious – even fatal. It must be physically uncomfortable, frightening and upsetting. But there is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed. 

Unfortunately, STIs are still on the rise in the UK (estimates from the UKHSA put the figure at around 400,000 reported cases in 2023, a rise of five per cent on the previous year) and a not insignificant number of these are in the older generation. Sadly, because there can be stigma surrounding sex and the over 50s, people often don’t discuss their sexual health with a potential partner. Also, women post-divorce who are past the age of getting pregnant might not consider the other risks of unprotected sex. You are only guilty of being naive. However, there is nothing morally wrong with what you have done.

Women are allowed to enjoy sex and you needed that boost to your self-esteem – to feel desired again. Having said that, it is important to protect yourself emotionally as well as physically. While some people can enjoy no-strings sex – at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I do think that applies mostly to men – women may find a lack of emotional connection leaves them feeling empty. Regarding the man at the gym, he has no right to be angry – it is far more likely that he gave the STI to you as he had multiple partners. So pluck up the courage to tell him calmly in order to protect other women. I hope he will be responsible and tell his partners.

Why won’t his daughter accept our relationship?

Q I divorced five years ago after finally leaving my controlling, unfaithful husband. For a long time I was nervous about starting a new relationship, but I have now fallen for a colleague. He is a kind and lovely man whose wife died five years ago and we had been office friends for years. 

However, his 14-year-old daughter is furious that her dad is dating again. I’d met her a few times (before we got together) and she was always sweet. But now she says it is disgusting that her dad is seeing me, that he must have always fancied me and it is a betrayal of her mum. I don’t want to end it but her anger is so upsetting. Her father is trying to support both of us but she won’t listen. His son, 11, has no problems with me.

A It sounds as if your potential stepdaughter is still grieving deeply for her mother and would perhaps hate anyone who her father was dating. She clearly believes that he always really wanted you even while her mother was alive and is not old enough to understand that this isn’t how relationships develop. 

This problem will require time, love and patience – but don’t give up. Her anger is particularly hard for you because you had to constantly face your ex’s behaviour. You might need support for this through counselling (see bacp.co.uk). It is hard to lose a mother at such a young age and she will have a much stronger recall of her than your partner’s son (who would have been only six). Perhaps seeing you with her dad triggers strong memories and she needs more help to cope with her grief. So please contact the wonderful charity for bereaved children winstonswish.org for support.